A poor excuse is better than none at all

No, this is not true. Sometimes you just have to:

1. Shut up
2. Save it
3. Button it
4. Lock it up — & —
5. Accept that your ass is grass

Attesting to this fact are three (overly) drawn out examples.

• Much to my life's chagrin, I stinted for a semester as a high school substitute teacher. Low and behold, it is hard to control a class of 30 students when you resemble a hobbit and other teachers ask you for a hall pass. After a grueling many months of that, it is with full confidence I tell you this, a poor excuse is not at all better than none at all. Excuses are for losers. No one cares why you didn't do your homework, they just want it done.

• If we're talking relationships, no excuse is 100 percent better than saying, "Hey, baby, I didn't call you because I found a better option." No one wants to hear the truth, especially if that's what the truth is. And, sometimes it is...

• Moving on to family: missing what was deemed a family obligation, welp, that's just poor form.

Just say you're sorry and move on.

"No use in flogging a dead horse..."

Sometimes you just need to take out some stress — better to do it to a dead horse than a live one. I think that's the mentality that's been driving the last three seasons of 30 Rock, a show which I most of the time enjoy, aside from the horrifically overplayed-out drama of protagonist Liz Lemon's love life. That is one horse that has been beaten senseless, reduced to glue and then made into Jello. However, the season 4 finale was somehow able to defy the odds by making that plot look unfaded.

It was like a fresh-out-of-the-womb colt.

Enjoy HERE.

"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing"

Dear God,

Knowledge gets a bad rap. Remember, there was that whole deal way back in Genesis, you know the story, you were there. Alright, here's a refresher, in case you forgot. There's a garden called the Garden of Eden and within that garden are two humans, a snake and a tree, but not just any tree, it's the Tree of Knowledge, which you, God, have clearly stated is not to be the victim of any tomfoolery, i.e. stay away from the fruit, Adam and Eve. The snake convinces dumb-dumb (or should I say smart-smart?) Eve to take a bite of the forbidden fruit, thereby bringing sin (slash, knowledge) into the world. As much as I'd like to believe the Garden of Eden was awesome, I have to say I actually am one of those people who believes the good without the bad wouldn't taste as sweet. What are your thoughts, having created this hot mess?

The way I see it is that knowledge is power, and while power can lead to dangerous things, it isn't necessarily one from the get-go. That's something I think you should know, Mr. All Powerful. Absolutes are a difficult breed, but no, a little knowledge isn't a dangerous thing, it's the beginning of understanding, and that should be exciting.

Anyway, we'll tackle my other issues later! Best wishes with knowing everything!

Signed,

L3: Life Long Learner

"If you cut too many corners, you'll be going in circles." - Todd Reaker

Ya think ya such a clever guy, Toddy.

Perhaps a little too wink-wink, nudge-nudge for me, but alas, cleverness didn't kill the cat, curiosity did, and this here quote is quite clever. So. Long Live Cats.

This picture is pretty clever too, a fact I can see, despite another fact that I'm not a "cat person."

"Better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all."

If this isn't true of your past relationships then, man, you must have dated a bunch of douches. Even Alanis Morissette would "recommend gettin' your heart trampled on to anyone. [She] certainly would." That's saying something considering she dated Dave Coulier, aka Joey Gladstone from Full House, of which their relationship inspired the hate song, You Oughta Know (lyrics HERE). It's definitely brutal. For kicks, I included a live recording of the song below.



That being said, this is one saying that warms my heart because it's basically saying that there is worth in relationships, in being open, in finding love, even if it doesn't last. That's a good thing to remember.

1. "A friend in need is a friend indeed" & 2. "A friend to all is a friend to none"

Why are these sayings? Who are they helping? How are these supposed to make a friendship better? Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Joey never would have said that to each other.

In order of ridiculousness:

1. The first saying only works when you tag on: "But, a friend with BLAH is better." Am I right? Right. Great, that's what I thought.


2. Regarding the second, I understand the mentality behind this saying. Really, I do, but I feel like it's what people say when they're jealous that their friends don't have time for them. That's annoying.

Neither of these are fair to either side of any alleged friendships. It's sort of like saying, "If friends were flowers, I'd pick you." I would never say that because it's definitely been needlepointed onto one of those little pillows.

"Blood is thicker than water."

This is literally true and metaphorically true. Double whammy!

The thing about this lovely phrase is how much you sometimes wish it wasn't true. For instance, it's 3:15 am on a Saturday night. You've just been out all night, you're tired, possibly inebriated, and the last thing you want is a call from your younger brother asking if you will be a kindhearted soul and take him in for the eve. He's down the street, his ride has long since gone, but you really don't want to have to sleep with one eye open because you're nervous he might get confused in the middle of the night and pee on something.

But, of course, blood is thicker than water, so you bite the bullet, don't make him sleep outside or  force him to wander the mean streets of Lincoln Park at dusk, waiting for the Metra. Take care of your brothers and sisters because at the end of the day, they're probably the ones you're going to remember the most when you get Alzheimer's.

That's a fact.

"A rolling stone gathers no moss"

How can that possibly be true? Maybe there isn't a concrete life he can point to — a wife, some kids, maybe a job of sorts — but stories aren't worth nothing. And if you've been that transient person for a while, chances are your stories are the best. Doesn't moss also change the integrity of the stone? It's no longer what it was. Who's to say moss is a good thing? I think it's fuzzy and gross.

Wine Before Beer, You're in the Clear — or, is it, You're Queer?

I thought about actually testing these theories by planning a night out that followed with a subsequent day of solid recuperation, but then I thought better of it.

Then life happened, bringing forth the perfect testing situation. I once thought, "Dash it all, neither of these could possibly be correct if you're 5 feet and 100 pounds." Wrong. One of them is correct.

Having said all that, I will have you know that Friday night brought about an eve of witty roommate banter spanning the mile stretch from our apartment to North and Wells in Chicago's Old Town neighborhood. With a quick bottle of red shared betwixt friends solidly under out belts before leaving, we took the night by storm, hopping on the ten-speeds due southeast. And let's just say, "Wine before beer, you're in the clear/queer" was indeed thrown against the wall into submission. The pair of us managed a few beers and a shot (I believe in honor of someone's recently deceased grandfather, downer), then proceeded to illegally ride our cruisers home on the sidewalk as not to illicit willing cars to hit us.

8:34 AM rolled around, headache nonexistent: In. The. Clear: Fist. Pump.

Next weekend testing, "Beer before wine, then you're fine."

Pennies. Actually worth less than a penny.

Since the early 1980s, the US Mint has plated pennies with what comes out to about 0.06 grams of copper per coin. The rest of the composition is made up of Zinc. The same is true of Nickel. Plating coins happens a lot (that is to say, a dime a dozen), and now it's set to happen some more. With all the hubbub of people talking about coinage in the US, I have to say talk is cheap. See, no one complains that a piece of paper labeled $100 is made from the same well that a piece of paper labeled $1 is made from. Why is that?

Because it doesn't matter.

According to Monday's Wall Street Journal it indeed does cost "the federal government up to nine cents to mint a nickel and almost two cents to make a penny." If the federal government knew anything they'd have figured out long ago that manufacturing nickel coins for almost double their literal nickel metal value was retarded. Yet, still metal lobbyist are fighting for the mentality that our currency is dependent upon actual metal value versus market forces. Obviously with the rising use of "plastic" credit and debit cards, check books and the complete nixing of the "Gold Standard" in 1971 by Richard Nixon, the argument that precious metals carry any weight when it comes to currency is for naught.

Old US Minting Facility in San Francisco, CA

Of course the abandonment of concrete metals as the standard has created a bit of an inflation, to say the least, but continuing to waste funds by minting coins for more than they're worth doesn't seem the right way to go either. It's as if someone simply missed the boat on how to go about minting, or at least is trying to stall it (eh, hem, metal lobbyists). And while the prices of metals like anything else will go up and down, in the end, gold is still gold — the real question is: is a penny still a penny if it's worth less than one, yet costs more to make it?

No idea is a bad idea.

At various different points I have defended this quote, saying stupid things like, "We can 'Yes, And' this if we must!' or other stupid things like, "Ya got somethin' better?" I usually employ a Jersey(ish) accent for the latter.

That's not important. What's important is that I don't actually believe this.

Some ideas are legit terrible ideas. They're not even just bad ideas, they are foot-in-your-mouth terrible ideas. Seriously. Maybe in the world of advertising "No idea is a bad idea" or even in the world of improvisation, but in the real world — the one that allows for old people to be left in homes never again visited, the one that allows for millions of people to be slaughtered by their elected officials, the one that allows for Velveeta Cheese to be considered as part of the dairy food group — some ideas are bad ideas.

What's more is that invention is indeed a great thing, but those counter inventions that slap down legitimate thought also exist. It's a topsy turvy world out there. I just think we should be honest about it.

Check some bad ideas out here, if you must.

Five Different Bad Ideas (off the top of my head):
1. Furbies
2. Mini forks and spoons (for shrimp and tea, I guess just the break down of dinnerware)
3. Hi-5 social networking site (that never actually took off...)
4. Weekly student night at movie theaters (it's just crowded and loud)
5. Black gym socks — to be worn with sneakers (they look super dumb)

Baby Animals Are Super Cute.

Have you seen a newborn baby panda? There's no other way to put it, those things are simply nasty.

It seems everyone can agree on this, and by everyone, I mean most sane people. What's more is that pandas aren't the only grossness popping from proverbial loins — baby birds are also pretty icky. There's no other way to put it, those things deserve to be fried up and served at KFC.

Some passionate, and sane, anti-baby-animal aficionados even write about the pangs of seeing a sickly looking newborn, hairless, life. Check out the "5 Ugliest Baby Animals": HERE.

The 9-5 is severely over-rated.

Holy macaroll this is true. I'm one to complain when I'm bored, when there isn't enough work and when life just seems slow. Doesn't that sound exactly like most behind-the-desk-9-5-ers? It does. My stint in corporate America didn't last long, which for me was probably a mistake. I probably should have stuck it out at my cubicle job for longer. That's neither here nor there, though. "Past is past," as Rafiki said in The Lion King, and one shouldn't dwell on it. Honestly, I love that I don't have a 9-5 job. At this point I can do this. No responsibility but to myself. Even if being self-employed, freelancing and contracting out my skills isn't particularly lucrative, I'm still eating, so we're all good.

There's something so nice about taking classes sporadically, working retail, freelancing my various creative services (need some copywriting done?), and dropping everything to be in a play. Every day is different, in flux, and it makes life more fun, exciting -- different. The one question I always pose at the end of interviews is simply a question wondering: Does every day provide new challenges, opportunities and variation? That's key to (I think) most people's success. And sometimes I get scared that my success comes down to me and not a boss. Yet, even now as I write this there's excitement in freedom. Sitting at a desk all day long (possibly crunching numbers or inputting data) and fearing that your manager will see that you're surfing the Web intermittently is no way to live. Clearly, making money is a goal everyone has to some degree, so I'm not saying buckling down isn't also a necessary component.

But I think it should be stated that indeed, variation is key, which is why careers in production, advertising, marketing, entertainment, writing, etc. etc. etc. are all so very appealing. To each their own. But, please note: The 9-5 isn't for everyone, and that's ok.

Isn't this just the saddest thing you ever saw?

Police Officers are good drivers.

This seems like it should be true, but it's 100 percent not. About three weeks ago I got my first City of Chicago parking ticket. I'm contesting it, obviously, as I'm not one to take things lying down. Blame my mother for that one. I really don't believe I was in the wrong. The signs weren't clearly marked Permit Parking Only. I was in front of a school after school hours were out, which means you can park there on three sides of the building, except the one I apparently chose. Anyway, short story long, I'm not going to be out $60 if I have anything to say about it.

But that leads me to this whole concept of who is giving out these tickets? Police officers, of course. That said, I can't take anything seriously if it comes from some dude or dudette who also break the law, and I'm not talking about when they're off duty. I'm talking about when you see a screeching car roll down the street going at least 10 over, not signaling as they turn illegally on a No Turn on Red street.

Last night alone I witnessed three violations. I wish there was something akin to a Citizens Arrest or Ticket for when regular people catch cops in the act. There should be a minimum violation involved like driving the wrong way on a one-way street. That's a $150 violation, and it happened yesterday at least once!

Reminds me of that one 9-1-1 call where some police officers smoked the pot they had confiscated from a citizen.

"There is no off position on the genius switch."

About a month ago I was doing some Tina Fey research on how to be her. It's not going that well, but pishposh, it doesn't matter.

I stumbled across this video of David Letterman interviewing Ms. Fey on his Late Show.

What struck me most, even more than Tina's virginity into her mid-twenties, was this quote: "There is no off position on the genius switch." At the end of every CBS "Late Show" clip that quote is flashed for a second across the screen, and I'm wondering why, and if it's even true. It turns out David Letterman coined it himself, so it has to be true —

Since I, unfortunately, would not consider myself a genius — though Del Close's memorable mentality that if we treat one another like we are poets and geniuses, then we will have a higher chance of becoming them, would have me thinking otherwise — I can only give an opinion. And, I would say yes, because no matter the sort of person you are, there's no way you can just turn yourself off. You may be able to fake it for a while, but eventually it wears on you and eventually the facade has to come down. Things can't just stop because of an outside force, and they won't because when there is something so great and forward thinking, it has no choice but to move in that direction.

I guess me and ESPN's Charlie Moore are on the same page.