"candy, beer, chips and snacks -- that's what makes the tummy fat."

This saying is not in widespread use, BUT IT SHOULD BE. Perhaps the new slogan for Michelle Obama's War on Fat Middle Schoolers? I could see it. A beautifully toned-armed-MO standing beneath a plastic banner, while kids whose parents claim "haven't grown into their bodies" let this non-rhyming life advice sink in.

For nearly 26 years, though I've only paid attention for the last 10, my father has repeated this sentiment time and again. Of course, he's the same turd buying Sara Lee premade cakes and cookies that, while they don't even taste good, you eat because they're still cookies, and they're there, so they're adequate.

There's no ifs, ands, or buts, candy, beer, chips and snacks make the tummy fat. Even if you're a high-metabolism-having-14-year-old boy, eventually those tasty treats will not only bite you in the ass, but create one. And not the good, taut booties coveted by JLo and Beyonce, but rather the rippled messes trailing behind unhappy teachers. Michelle gets it.

"Candy, beer, chips and snacks 2012!"

Now is the winter of our discontent

"Discontent is the first necessity of progress."-T. Edison

The downfall of one person is the upswing of another. In Mark Zuckerberg's case, his billionaire status has cost the world hours upon ours of wasting time in front of their Facebook accounts. We're comparing and contrasting ourselves against one another. Looking at the status updates of our "bestfriends" and wondering, "Why wasn't I invited to that A, B or C!?" 


I've spent 365 dicking around on Facebook. On Twitter. Even on LinkedIn. That's when you know there's a problem.


The last sketch I wrote was nearly six months ago. What the fuck is wrong with me? This notion that things just happen. That life takes the reins for a second and you can just sit back licking a snowcone — that's what's wrong with our Facebook nation.


So, here it is. Discontent is on the rise. And thank God. Or Thomas Edison. 


Let's make way for progress.

dear bike riding.

you are a formidable way to get exercise without paying a gym membership fee.

however. you are not free. nay. you cost my body both time and money. the chiropractor wasn't working out. $250 down the drain. the very cost of a bicycle, upwards of a hundo. a bike light. stolen. or lost. whichever. doesn't matter. fifteen bones cast to the wind.

while you're still the best mode of transport this side of a flat earth, you are no easy feat.

spring, i welcome you. riding will be better. it gets better.

dear nora

My best friend Nora Ephron and I have spent the better part of a week together. It's always fun when a friend arrives from out of town to visit. But I do feel awful that I've been so busy with work and shows. And, yes, of course she understands. What sort of bestie wouldn't? But, what sort of bestie would I be if I didn't feel bad?

I read her book, "I Remember Nothing," and I laughed a lot. But sort of that inwards laugh, that stifled comedian laugh, where I'm jealous that you made my body incapable of resisting reaction. The sort of laughter that a best friend can instigate, one that I wished I could in her.

I'm sure anyone can gather when you have a best friend of such esteem, it's hard to be in the shadow. But, alas, I suppose I understand now how she must have felt with her old best friend, Lillian Helm. I'm jealous of her relationship with Lil as well, I must admit.

It's not fair though. Oh well. I still love her. Even though we're unreciprocated bestfriends.

hiatus

also. sorry for the hiatus. this is directed mostly at my friend rebecca and brother kevin who keep bugging me to write.

Inspiration is Creation

Quite the tight rope to walk.

But, alas, we walk it.

Inspiration is what needs to be defined here. Inspiration has the potential to come from even the smallest molecule of energy, thought, or theory. It doesn't have to be one kick in the bum. It's the act of creation that should be inspiration to others that they too must be creators. If you're not creating anything, then you're just taking stock of other people's pasture. It might just be a sad attempt at emulating the vastness of being God, but it's all there is. So, keep doing what you're doing, and at the end of the day, even if your sandcastle fades with the skyline, the memory remains. That's one more point for humanity.

Some people are simply destined for greatness.

--Reading Christopher Buckley's "Losing Mum and Pup," and realizing this sentence is irrefutably true.

One thing is for sure, however, if you live your life in a way that suspends the thought of failure, notice will be taken. For the same reasons people love shows like Mad Men, charm and grace are superior to skill, though surely it's clear that it helps immeasurably. It's more often than not that memoirs cause me to take stock of the life I'm building, reflect and figure out a way to build more by working harder and smarter.

If nothing else, I'm bulleting out talking points.

A Clean House is a Happy House

I had a day off work last week. I cleaned a toilet. I tidied my bedroom. I dusted. A lot.

And, it is immaculate.

Indeed, a dirty house is not just unhappy, it's unenjoyable.

"It is the beautiful bird which gets caged."

Here’s my once in a blue moon gander into the political spectrum.

I read recently that China is peeved at the Nobel Peace Prize Committee for awarding a Chinese dissident with this year’s coveted award. (And a few other nations seem to be up in arms as well, among those who are not attending include Russia, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Pakistan, and Iraq.)

Artist and human rights advocate Liu Xiaobo will be honored this year, causing a chain reaction of RSVP declines from Russia to Iraq and Iran, as he is now serving an 11-year sentence for what China calls “inciting subversion of state power.”

Though some countries have said they’re response to not attend doesn’t necessarily have to do with the honoree, there’s enough speculation to wonder. According to CNN.com, “Despite the Nobel committee's announcement that Iraq will not show up at the ceremony, an [Iraqi] official said that might not be true.”

But, let’s face it, Iraq isn’t exactly known for its honesty. Is any country? However, the UN committee announced Iraq was not to join in on the festivities – so, if anything, I’d tend to believe them over anyone else. What have they got to lose? Nothing that's worth keeping.

For more information on Liu Xiaobo go to any and all of these links:
CNN piece on Xiaobo
NYT piece on Xiaobo
Xiaobo's Charter 08: a Manifesto
Nobel Peace Prize 2010 Official Press Release

"Home is where the heart is — "

— unless your whole family ditches you at important holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

At that point there might still be a heart, it's just cold and lifeless.

"Children act exactly like little drunk people."

I saw this as a friend's Facebook status one day, and the reality of this thought struck me like an abusive boyfriend.

That's all that can be said to justify this observation.

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

Those Who Bicycle Are Better Drivers Than Those Who Do Not

This almost warrants no explanation. I shall be brief. Bicyclists (and throw in walkers, while we're at it), know their surroundings more so than their four-wheeled friends. You find the ins and outs of a city or town based on taking back roads, finding where things wind up and around, and basically you learn about how terrible drivers can be. That's not to say that bicyclists do not have their faults. I've seen one too many of my bike lane counterparts neglect to use their hand signals, neglect to follow the rules of the road, neglect, neglect, neglect. But, I can safely say that car drivers are animals on the road. They don't pay attention. How else to explain something as minute a detail as looking to see if you're going to DOOR someone on a road that's clearly marked with a bike lane?

Since being on two wheels and slowly getting back to four as winter arrives, I know I'm 100 percent a more conscientious driver than I've ever been — mostly because as scared I am of getting doored on my bike, I'm more scared of doing that to someone.

"Time is of the essence."

So. I had to look up what this phrase actually means. I had a general idea, but for clarification's sake (the best kind of sake), here we are:

time is of the essence n. a phrase often used in contracts, which, in effect says: the specified time and dates in this agreement are vital and thus, mandatory, and "we mean it." Therefore, any delay, reasonable or not, slight or not, will be grounds for canceling the agreement.

This, then, is a fact. I used it the other day in regard to how I have no time for hardly anything as I have everything and more on my plate. For your sick pleasure: Friday's consist of hell for me. I wake up at the crack of dawn, pedal nearly 5 miles to work so I can get there early, then leave early so I can hop to my internship at iO. There alone you can see that I have negative time. But, alas, the mayhem continues. After my internship, which ends at 6:30 pm, I have to have preplanned to have my car parked near Wrigley Field the night before, as I need to drive to Second City for the hit sketch show: Eat, PREY, Love, in order to be there at, WHAT!?, 6:30 pm. That's right, folks. More negative time. After the show is the wind down, consisting of gin and sprites at Old Towne Ale House until I don't even know what time. All I do know is I hate that I have to leave my bike at iO, in effect leaving me without my primary mode of transport. More lost time.

What you need to take away is this, time is important. Indeed, quite possibly the most important thing, because at the end of the day, that's all we have. So, it's wholeheartedly, "of the essence."

All this to say, "Don't waste it."

Fortunately for me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

"A Leopard Cannot Change Its Spots."

True.

But, wouldn't it be cool to see it try?

I feel that way about most things. Honestly. I can say with certainty that most people don't change their ways regardless of intention; so what could make something as specific and innate as leopard spots possibly give way to stripes? The answer: Nothing.

The best part, however, of a saying such as this, is that desire to see a leopard try to change. What could it possibly do? The answer: Nothing. But the notion that a desire for change, while it can change exactly nothing, is intriguing.

This guy (link) says otherwise, but, hey, what does he know? Probably wears pinstripes. Am I right, or am I right?

Apologies.

I'm sorry for writing that poem in my last post. That was terrible, and while, it makes me laugh as I reread it, I know it's just No good. Pas bien. No bueno.

It Takes Two To Tango:

Surely this is true. Of course there are parts when each dancer is left to their own devices as they split for solo moments, but a tango isn't a tango if there is no pair. It's interesting though that there must always be a leader and a follower when it comes to dancing. And — it doesn't change as the dance moves. Both dancers must know their parts for the dance to be a success. If they don't, it's both painfully obvious to the audience and clearly marked as a blip in their dance career.

"Ugly as sin"

If sin could be made to look like one thing, I feel like it would look beautiful, but be ugly. You know, like one of those hot girls at any local high school that's, you know, pretty, but has a terrible heart.

Think Madison Sinclair from Veronica Mars.

"When you play with fire, you're gonna get burned."

Let's think about this for a second.

Ugh. I hate explaining things that are self-explanatory. If you don't get this, then you need to take a lap. This phrase works in both the literal and metaphoric sense. That's a double whammy.

Dumb.

 The only thing that might make this tough is the time it takes to learn if something's "fire."

Always go with your gut.

Yes, please, let's. If your guts are saying, "Leave," just go. If your guts are saying, "Eat," then do it. If your guts are getting bigger, you should then stop eating. Your guts are a pretty good indicator of physical and mental health. Who knows, they might stop you from being a big, dumb idiot someday.

Side Bar to Life: Growing up, every Halloween my dad, all of my siblings and I would carve pumpkins, and while clearing out their insides (so my mom could cook the seeds), my dad would shout, "GUTS! GUTS EVERYWHERE!" Ah, the memories.

Rompers are Adult Onesies

Seriously. If you can't see this, you must be blind.

I suppose these are a sexier version of the baby onesie.

The Resemblance is Uncanny.