"candy, beer, chips and snacks -- that's what makes the tummy fat."

This saying is not in widespread use, BUT IT SHOULD BE. Perhaps the new slogan for Michelle Obama's War on Fat Middle Schoolers? I could see it. A beautifully toned-armed-MO standing beneath a plastic banner, while kids whose parents claim "haven't grown into their bodies" let this non-rhyming life advice sink in.

For nearly 26 years, though I've only paid attention for the last 10, my father has repeated this sentiment time and again. Of course, he's the same turd buying Sara Lee premade cakes and cookies that, while they don't even taste good, you eat because they're still cookies, and they're there, so they're adequate.

There's no ifs, ands, or buts, candy, beer, chips and snacks make the tummy fat. Even if you're a high-metabolism-having-14-year-old boy, eventually those tasty treats will not only bite you in the ass, but create one. And not the good, taut booties coveted by JLo and Beyonce, but rather the rippled messes trailing behind unhappy teachers. Michelle gets it.

"Candy, beer, chips and snacks 2012!"