"Blessing In Disguise"

Shut the fuck up.

Seriously, this nonsense makes a person going through some shit get even crazier. It is the opposite of empathy, and it minimizes the gravity of ones situation.

I seriously hate this phrase. I can't even begin to emphasize this enough.

Seriously. Seriously. Seriously.

The thing that really frosts my cookies about it is that it negates that the thing that has happened is awful. Just because you might end up in a better place eventually does not mean that this horrible thing was not horrible. Also, if the horrible thing did not occur, that just means that your life is blessed already without the trouble of dealing with a complete bullshit situation.

If this post oozes of frustration and bitterness, my point has been made.

On another note, how hilarious would it be to see like a personified blessing wearing a pair of fake glasses with bushy eyebrows and a big nose? It would be incredibly hilarious is the correct answer.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Apples, doctors, health?

Please. That's almost as true as the Cosmopolitan magazine theory that eating a yogurt a day keeps yeast infections away. That is to say, it's not true.

Looking back on the reason for this treason, I've considered a few things. The most apt theory implies that apples must not have tasted good when they first became a regular on the kid menu. Such that, mothers everywhere banned together to make up some ridiculous rhyme to get them into bellies.

Rhymes are the first sign that something is askew. Take for example this ditty I just made up: "A mushroom a week will give you a great physique." Maybe if that's the only thing you ate, but mushrooms alone have the potential to make you cracked out of your gourd.

If anything, carry away just this one thing: just because it's a rhyme doesn't mean it's accurate.

Another perfect example: "Hang your clothes up, and I'll get you a pup." Boy, I'm not getting you a dog, even if you hang up my clothes too.

Rhymes are the devils delight. That's a fact.

Out of Breath

If you're reading this, you're alive. You did it! Don't give me this ear full saying you've had enough. Enough life. I told an 80-year-old that I didn't want to live til I was 80. I immediately regretted saying it as it poured out of my regretful face. This woman is so full of life, of breath, air. Sure, every time I see her she's showing some more gums and less teeth, but she's chill.

Every day I see her at work and think, no, you're not out of breath until your body is decomposing in the ground. Out of breath is the same as without breath. So, as long as you're "with it," you have it. The key is to skip wasting it.

There's a method to my madness

I'd say check out serial killers if you want to see what fucked up looks like.

But, if you'd like to get down to semantics then there's another story here. Madness implies chaos. It implies a sense of "I-don't-know-what's-happening,-but-it's-happening.-Ahh!-I'm-the-Hulk-now"-sort of mayhem only read about in graphic novels and women's self-help books.


The truth is, it's not madness if there's a method. It's all right there in the sentence, friends.

That said, rage, rage, rage, rage, rage, slam poetry, rage, rage, rage.

Say I'm pretty. Now.

You Can't Have Ice-Cream for Breakfast

Peanut Butter Cup, Cherry Garcia, Mint Chocolate Chip, Cookie Dough, Double Chocolate Brownie Fudge, Sherbet — these aren't good for you at 5pm. They aren't good for you ever. They're good though. So very good.

Why not start your day off "good."

9am — 1/2 cup of Ben & Jerry's. Sounds right, doesn't it? Just put some gummy bears on the side, and you've got yourself the best start to the day. No eggs necessary.

"Cleveland Rocks"

We've all seen it:


Drew Carey Show

We know it:
"I'll move to Cleveland, the day you get that IKEA."
http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi2380267545/
30 Rock

I'm pretty sure that the 2000s got it right. The 90s are out, Carey.

Cleveland does not rock. We're with you Lemon.

dear nora

My best friend Nora Ephron and I have spent the better part of a week together. It's always fun when a friend arrives from out of town to visit. But I do feel awful that I've been so busy with work and shows. And, yes, of course she understands. What sort of bestie wouldn't? But, what sort of bestie would I be if I didn't feel bad?

I read her book, "I Remember Nothing," and I laughed a lot. But sort of that inwards laugh, that stifled comedian laugh, where I'm jealous that you made my body incapable of resisting reaction. The sort of laughter that a best friend can instigate, one that I wished I could in her.

I'm sure anyone can gather when you have a best friend of such esteem, it's hard to be in the shadow. But, alas, I suppose I understand now how she must have felt with her old best friend, Lillian Helm. I'm jealous of her relationship with Lil as well, I must admit.

It's not fair though. Oh well. I still love her. Even though we're unreciprocated bestfriends.

hiatus

also. sorry for the hiatus. this is directed mostly at my friend rebecca and brother kevin who keep bugging me to write.

If you're 5 feet or below, you're a midget.

This doesn't even make sense, guys. I mean, sure. You're short. Sure, you're petite. — But are you disproportionate? If the answer is no, then you're not a legal midget. I might also add that midget is actually a perjorative term, so maybe say something else.

Acceptable terms include: little person and dwarf. I know, I'm a little surprised too. Those seem worse.

According to Wikipedia, a midget is sometimes described as someone below the height of 4'10. Whew. Just made it.

Inspiration is Creation

Quite the tight rope to walk.

But, alas, we walk it.

Inspiration is what needs to be defined here. Inspiration has the potential to come from even the smallest molecule of energy, thought, or theory. It doesn't have to be one kick in the bum. It's the act of creation that should be inspiration to others that they too must be creators. If you're not creating anything, then you're just taking stock of other people's pasture. It might just be a sad attempt at emulating the vastness of being God, but it's all there is. So, keep doing what you're doing, and at the end of the day, even if your sandcastle fades with the skyline, the memory remains. That's one more point for humanity.

"It's nothing personal."

It's always something personal. Let's think about this: you're dealing with people. The word "person" resides in the phrase "It's nothing personal."

Boom goes the dynamite. Am I right?

"Better Late than Never"

So, I haven't posted in a while — This Fact or Fiction seemed to fit pretty well, if I say so myself.

Seriously though, it's always better to have something over nothing. And, showing up late versus not showing up at all shows you care, even if it's just a little. Turning in work late, sure not the best thing, but the act of doing it at some point, is better than not at all. And, sure, certain things lose their luster if the "right time" has passed by, but there's got to be something (anything!) said for trying at all.

Time tables matter, but only to a degree. The notion of a right time and place for something often does nothing but stifle whoever is involved. So, do what fits and do it in your time. Screw metronomes and alarm clocks, watches and schedules. We all have to answer to something or someone at the end of the day, and honestly, it's just ourselves. Do what you want, is what I'm saying.

"Home is where the heart is — "

— unless your whole family ditches you at important holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

At that point there might still be a heart, it's just cold and lifeless.

"Those who can't 'do,' teach."

Lies. Lies and the lying liars that proliferate these lies have got to hit the road.

This might be true when it comes to gym teachers who didn't make it onto American Gladiators, but for everything else, it's just malarkey. I often have found that the best performers (regardless of their crafts) make the best teachers. Honestly, I wouldn't and don't trust a teacher who hasn't ever gone out for the big leagues, either metaphorically or literally speaking. And while I'm seeking out definites, I know for sure that a lot of people who can "do," can't teach. Whichever way the wind blows, teaching, in it's complete glory, is a form of doing.

"[I/You] never kiss and tell."

You ever heard of marriage?

Well. I have. And, let me tell you a little something about it  — it's the ultimate when it comes to kissing and telling. Many of my dearest friends have taken the trip down that two-person lane, and every time it happens I get a little happier about the world. It's pretty neat, no? Just the mere idea that commitment can run that deeply. Now, don't jump the gun here, son, but kissing and telling is kind of nice when it's right. So, now that I'm welcoming another union into my life as I watch a close friend of mine plan her upcoming path, I can't help but notice that those who don't kiss and tell are either too early to let on, or too scared to admit.

And, that's alright for a time, but to continue with ultimates, there will be an ultimate time of decision. Indecision simply leads to a stalled engine, and that's no good.

"Time for you and time for me, 

And time yet for a hundred indecisions 

And for a hundred visions and revisions 

Before the taking of a toast and tea."

-T.S. Eliot's, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

Hats of to my good friend Kate and her fiancé Jordan.

The phrase: "I feel like" means the same as "I think."

I'm just as guilty as the next fool, but this does not actually make sense.

You can feel like eating a sandwich. You can feel like crap. But, you can't equate feeling something for thinking something.

Excuse me, but when I put my little feelers out into the world to generate information/lies/untruths/etc., they've brought back this notion of ridiculousness attached to crazy. That ridiculousity lives in the overwrought phrase: "I feel."

You (plural) do not. Stop lying (to yourself and me).

These are things that can be felt. They are not thoughts.

"No News is Good News"

Speaking from the stance of a Journalism & Mass Communication BA holder, I think it's my social obligation to put the rumors to rest.

This isn't true even if you're a parent who "doesn't wanna know." And here's why:

1. Just because you haven't found out doesn't mean it didn't happen.
2. If you didn't hear anything that's bad or good,that just means your kid isn't doing anything special worthy of note. In essence, you produced a dud.

This is especially untrue in the world of actual news journalism. And here's why:

1. There's always something that needs to be given attention.
2. Just because it wasn't reported, doesn't mean it didn't happen.
3. And, if we're looking at how to take the quote apart, you could say that some news is good news.

This quote assumes that everything is on par if nothing is happening. But isn't that the worst thing you ever heard? If nothing is happening, that means nothing is happening. Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing worthwhile. Nothing. And that's boring. Real. Boring.

"The grass is always greener on the other side."

Either this means life sucks period — or whoever coined it was both perpetually discontent and unable to see that they had it pretty damn good. Bumzies, regardless.

See, lately I've been feeling old, even though I'm really not that old. And, as I continue on living, it's come to mind that I'm actually probably one of the happiest people I know. On the whole, I've got this in the bag. I have my days, as we all do, and while I remain discontent as far as wanting to always be in pursuit!, I'm not unaware of the quality that is happening before my eyes. So, be thankful.

"If you expect to soar with the eagles during the day, you can't hoot with the owls at night."

If vacations attest for anything it's this: You can 100 percent both soar and hoot. I'm all about it.

For the last four days I've made it a point to suck it up, neglect my body's desire for sleep, and soak in the wonder that is hanging with my siblings and friends in Los Angeles. And sure, vacations are great for resting and relaxing, but conversation over libations in new places is a win if ever there was one.

Fitting in as many Kodak moments is key. So, lock it up and throw that bitch away. If you can't throw yourself into the waves and roll with them*, then don't bother with this girl. I'll be over you already.

*1/2 the siblings Marshall totally went surfing at 8:30 am this morning. It was so LA.**

**Catch phrase of the weekend.

***Aside: As for hooting and soaring during real life, I do know from experience that the thought and action of burning the candle at both ends seems daunting, recognize this, you only life once, so rock it like a rocking chair. That's a fact no one can argue with, lest you're Hindi.

All Airlines are the Same

I'm a Southwest girl. There. I've said it. My allegiance lies solely with that blue, gold, and red emblem. There are serious failings on the part of every other airline in the world when compared to the perfection that is SW.

This thought was so deep and profound to me as I boarded flight 123 United yesterday that I stopped in my tracks, pulled out my copy of Atlas Shrugged and wrote:

"MNBT: All airplanes/lines are the same — Fiction. SW is superior. So deep and profound a thought that I wrote it in a book."

That should suffice.