"The Italians Have a Saying..."

“The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct." Jack Donaghy

If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that kissing up to people that you don't actually want to be near — but have to be near for the sake of your own self-preservation — is a necessity.

Example: Anytime you're shooting the shit with friends, coworkers or frenemies, you have to butter yourself, because no one else will. And trust me, everyone eats that up, but most people enjoy a good story about you in a bad way, than the good story you can make up about yourself.

Just people being people.

"You Can't Always Get What You Want — You Get What You Need."

In the United States as many as 3.5 million people experience homelessness in a given year, and there are over 842,000 homeless people any day of the week — and I'm sure that number will just rise as this recession continues. In short, sorry Mick, looks like you can't get what you want or even what you need.

We can all agree that basic necessities touch on: food, shelter, and clothes.

It's easy to make that sort of triumphal lyric feel like reality when you're a multimillionaire.

"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"

This time last year I was pretty excited. Yes, I found myself jobless and back in the snares of my parents house, but it didn't matter. I was in the Midwest, in Chicago, during Christmas time. "It's the Hap-Happiest Season of All!" This time of year, though weather-wise can take it's toll, is the beginning of the cold months, and Christmas just makes the chilly, iciness of knowing it's going to be like this for 4-6 months, melt away.

It's Christmas week now, and as the best holiday encroches, as flights arrive into O'Hare and Midway, as friends and relatives filter in and out of Christmas parties and airplanes, it has you excited.

Grant it, after Christmas festivities are final, there's a sort of loneliness that the cold snow piling up institutes, but until then, it's a fact: "It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

"Nothing gold can stay"

Well, Robert, have I got news for you?

As many a junior higher may know from the mandatory viewing of The Outsiders — starring Matt Dillon, Emilo Estevez, Tom Cruise, and the rest of the now middle-aged man crew — Ponyboy's big to-do at the end is built up with this poem, furthering the notion that indeed nothing gold can stay, nothing green can stay, people don't live forever, and success can't last. This is all unfortunately true  — and don't I know it.

But, I mentioned something about news: of course gold can stay! As many people know from the periodic table has a lovely Au (i.e. gold) in it. Well, that's because gold is an element that does not change.

Case closed, one of the greatest poets of 19th century America is victim to a bad metaphor, and all of us by default.

"Don't Judge a Book by its Cover."

The advice, "Don't Judge a Book by its Cover" is in clear need of an update. When the phrase came about, I'm sure it was during the time of the first ugly book making project of the early nth century. Books that were ugly were actually pretty good. But now, these days—it's probably best to judge a book by what aesthetically is appealing about it. They pay people big bucks these days to come up with alluring covers that practically cause readers to gnaw at the binding with longing. Sometimes I buy a book solely because of its cover. It says Dave Eggers on it in pronounced letters, the cover is a soft paper that you wouldn't mind using to rub your cheeks, it's paperback and very light weight, there's an Oprah's Book Club sticker grazing — all of these things caused me to buy countless books I have yet to read, but are nice to look at until I eventually read them. I've already read more than 35 books this year, often books that were just sitting on the shelf until they aged just right.

So go ahead, judge a book by its cover. Its saved me from buying self-help books and Ye Olde English anthologies.

Vs.

"Miracles Happen Every Day."

"Miracles happen every day:" Like hell they do.

That's at best doubtful. If miracles were to happen every day, then wouldn't they cease to be miracles? Get with it people.

Welcome

Welcome to "Things That Might Not Be True," where you're not necessarily sure to have a good time.