Doppelganger Week: So not what I look like.

You tell me:

 

1. The first one is Asian: Ueto Aya. Beatiful to be sure. But how is she 83% the same as me. If I were her, I'd be offended.

2. The second one is Black: Beyoncé. And while I love Beyoncé, even I'm not that diluted.

3. The third one is Christina Ricci, who once did a movie that featured her as a pig.

4. The fourth one is I think Phillipino: Amerie

5. The closest one, but still not close: Shu Qui.

I'm pretty sure I'm not Asian. But the best non doppelganger was David Hasselhoff. Seriously. He was number nine of 10.

Too ridiculous to be even close to true.

"Laughter is the Best Medicine"

Why of course this is true.

Why the heck else would I fake laugh for hours as I'm about to hurl?

Seriously, though, people who can laugh it off make me happy.

I think this is why so many comedians do what they do. Think about it, so many tortured people cling to laughter like a drug. It's like a drug, the high you get when someone finds what you have to say funny. or clever. or even the lesser things like interesting or smart. When I think about humor and wit too much I get overwhelmed. I really do. It's as if my heart can't take how happy it makes me. You forget everything when someone laughs.

"Yawning is Your Body's Way of Saying You Need More Coffee."

That message brought to you by McDonalds. While I applaud DDB in its, I'm sure, successful efforts to drive consumers through the golden archway, yawning is not your body's way of saying plug me with some more dehydrating warm delight.

Right now my love for coffee isn't coming through in this message. I love coffee. But, as of two posts ago I'm doing some teeth whitening, so I'm anti-coffee right now, and anti-the messenger who's trying to get me to break.

"To me, working is a form of sustenance, like food or water, and nearly as essential."

That quote's from Katharine Graham, the publisher of The Washington Post during the Watergate Scandal of the early 1970s.

After listening to Obama's State of the Union speech, I mostly wanted to throw up. I'm not anti-Obama. Really, I'm not. I am frustrated with his speech though. What I used to find enticing about him, is now obnoxious to me. The man says, says, says time and again, "People have told me...", " "Wall Street...", "Washington says this..." This is bullshit. He's the president of the United States of America. Who cares what these people say. He pins others against him to make himself look good. Quality political work. But it bothers me to no end that he conveniently pretends he doesn't have a stake in what anyone else has told him.

He talks about creating jobs. And says, yes, people are hurting. We've cut taxes.We've increased unemployment benefits. But what that means is that companies that are still just floating above water are paying for it all. To do so, they need to cut their payrolls.

Honestly, I don't have much faith in the political arena. That's what it is, a fighting match.

All I want is to have a job that I can do my best at and that can make me my best. Every autobiography I have read attests to the fact that this is possible. So, don't tell me it's not.

For me, working is sustenance. It is food and water. And to keep floating, it's just as essential.

It's Worth the Week Off From Coffee to Successfully Whiten My Teeth

This one hits close to home.

A. it's not a quote.
B. it's a life style choice.

I have put off whitening my teeth for the last month because I can't get myself to give up coffee for a week or so. Actually any dark liquids are strictly forboden. Coffee's just the tip of this sad iceberg. Red wine and Diet Coke are equally painful. It's just the morning now, so I'm here, pounding down four cups. Four warm cups of bitter delight. I don't water it down; I don't add milk; I don't add sugar. I add nothing. I like it black.

And my teeth hate me for it.

But it should be worth it. A beautiful smile after just a few days makes the fact that you've been tired for what feels like eight years worth it. Yeah? Yeah.

"Honesty is the Best Policy"

Yeah, that's true. It really is, honest.

Yeah, yeah, the truth can be complicated. I've heard the argument before, but to be honest, really, it's best just to keep the air clear and open.

"Prov. You should always tell the truth, even when it seems as if it would be useful to tell a lie. Jill: I borrowed Jane's white blouse without asking her, and then I spilled tomato sauce on it. Should I tell her what happened, or should I just put the blouse back in her closet and hope she won't notice? Jen: Honesty is the best policy."

See what I'm saying? If Jill decided not to tell Jane  that she borrowed the sweater and ruined it, then there'd be real problems. Oh, Jill, Jen and Jane. Classic.

Enjoy...

"Prototypes = Best Way"

So, I'm a big believer in stereotypes. I know, I know, terrible. But, there's a reason why they exist. Am I right? Don't answer.

That said, I had a recent experience that's sort of thrown me off course. Prototypes. There's supposedly a "best way" to do something, to get somewhere, to be who you want to be. Well, I don't really buy it. I've never thought of myself as being a stereotype. Ironically.

See, the way I look at it is, if you've got the skills, then you'll be fine. If you have the talent. The ability. The know-how, you will end up where you want to be. That's how I've always seen it, and it frustrates me to no end when I'm brought to this crossroad question: Where do you want to end up?

If I say where I really intend to be, then it's as if they view your step of trying to get into their door as the wrong move. Judgement's been passed. But there aren't any wrong moves as far as I'm concerned. Only experience and transferable skills.

And eventually, eventually, friends, I feel like I'll have had a multitude of positions, of experience that will make it possible for me to get where I'm going. Until then, a foot in the door is all I ask.

"All I ask is one thing, and I'm asking this particular of young people that watch. Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen." - Conan O'Brien

Kelly Clarkson's single: and Beyoncé's "Halo" Sound Exactly the Same

Every time I hear Kelly Clarkson's latest song, "Already Gone," I get a little disappointed because I really enjoy singing along to songs and especially enjoy it if I know the words. But, with this song I constantly let down myself because I can never seem to remember that this particular song is not in fact Beyoncé's "Halo." Though, it is nearly exactly the same. I smell bleach blond hair and an early 80s pop idol. Drum roll: Vanilla Ice/Queen/David Bowie debacle of the century.

Every single time I hear that Clarkson cock up I gear myself up for the wrong words. Every. Single. Time.

Whomp, whomp, whomp.

But, seriously. This is not OK. But, I guess that's what pop singers get for not checking to see if their music writers are double-booked, which was the case here. What sucks more though, is Beyoncé's song is clearly superior to Clarkson's (even though it's still good). That's another fact for you.

Listen here:
Beyoncé's "Halo"
Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone"

"Any accomplished American cheats on their spouse."

I heard this the other day, and it had me thinking. It all grew out of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. And, while I recognize that MLK brought together a nation and seriously changed the course of history forever for the better, he too cheated on his wife. As did Thomas Jefferson, John F. Kennedy, and many other notable politicians. But it's not even limited to politicians: Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, and Jon Gosselin. And it doesn't even have to be in recent history: Humphrey Boggart, Roman Polanski, and Johnny Cash. And they don't even have to be men: Elizabeth Taylor, Jennifer Lopez, and LeAnn Rimes. And, unfortunately, they don't even have to be famous. And they don't even have to be real people: Don Draper.


Obviously, many accomplished Americans don't cheat on their spouses, but man, it sometimes can seem like it.

So, this one's a toss up, only because Tina Fey and her husband Jeff Richmond are still together after eight years. Thanks T.J.

Football is Interesting

While I know this is more of an opinion rather than a fact or fiction debate, it should be noted that I think this statement is fiction. Football itself is not interesting. I will give you that if you gamble around it, if you used to play it, or understand the rules, then it can be made interesting.

But, it should also be noted, that football in and of itself, is not, I repeat, not, interesting. Even if it is the playoffs. Case closed. Please don't hurt me.

'"There's No Place Like Home"

Now that the holidays are seriously, officially, and truly over  — i.e. decorations are put back into boxes and the retail business has officially slumped in sales — I can tell you the truth. There honestly is no place like home. Granted, I live just a stones throw from my childhood over on 995 Beverly, but man, each time I'm back there it's like a time warp, and not because of retro furniture. We don't have any, unless you count antique duds as retro, which technically they are. It's as if when you walk through the door years are simply knocked off your life. So there you are standing in the front hall at age 12.

Being from a family of eight, there's always been mayhem around the holidays, or rather just mayhem all the time. Whether it's a fight regarding who wants what for Christmas and who's planning to get it, or picking a bone over movie selections: my dad's favorite movie to quote ever Elf ("He's an angry elf!"), a family favorite that we draw numerous comparisons from The Family Stone (Timmy & Larry combo=Luke Wilson), or that horrific movie Bad Santa, which for some reason all four of my brothers can't get enough of — I can always count on there being some semblance of family unity. And here's where it gets sappy: having Larry, Colleen, Sean, Timmy and Kevin all in the same zip code for over a week was pretty ridiculous, and I'm sad it's over. It's just really special to me that I have that many people in my life that not only do I love, but even if they hate, hate, hate me, still have to love me.

So, yes, friends, there indeed is no place like home. Sing it with me!

"Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays. 'Cause no matter how far away you roam, when you pine for the sunshine of a friendly face. For the holidays, you can't beat home, sweet home!"

Leather Protector is the Best Invention Ever. EVER.

This, unfortunately, is super true. I say unfortunately only because it is expensive and I almost never put it on my shoes, though, it most certainly is the best invention ever. It beats the camera phone by milestones. It beats forks and knives. But not spoons. It beats glue. It definitely beats that.

It does not beat cookies or blackberries (fortunately neither were invented per se), however. That's a common misconception.

So, in the name of honoring that cow's death — don't ruin your shoes by being too hasty to wear those leath boots just as the first snow falls. Just, don't do it. Promise?

And. While these shoes are heinous, leather protector is the best invention ever.