The Star-Spangled Banner is Legit.

As long as we're on a music roll . . .

Tonight I took my sorry tooshy over to the Second City to audition for one of the Writing 6 shows the theater churns out every few months. To close out the hour's work of improvising, acting and cold reading we were asked to sing on the spot a few lines from a song of our choice.

Brushing aside the urge to sing the Christian rock classic that's oddly always stuck in my head, Martin Smith's, "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever," my head was then empty. Somehow I managed to kick into gear and birthed out: "The Star-Spangled Banner." Everybody knows it (except Days of Our Lives soap actress Nadia Bjorlin who failed at singing the correct lyrics at a Boston Red Sox game in Fenway Park last August). Everybody loves it (accept maybe native Americans and probably all Brits). But, surely I could win this crowd over with my red, white and blue pipes.

It happened, and I was on key (pun intended. If you can guess what I'm referring to you win a prize). Then the walk home happened, and I was second guessing my choice, wishing I had sung Beyoncé's "Single Ladies," and then proceeded to belt a few lines of that at the corner of Sedgwick and North Avenue. Francis Scott Key's ditty popped back into focus.

After some serious Google work, I have found that the poem has been chopped to bits at the beginning of every sporting event in these United States. Literally, chopped: we only sing the first stanza of FSK's "Defence of Fort McHenry." Made to believe the soldier wrote the lyrics for the purpose of penning a song, I felt and still feel wronged. To beat, the intense end of the anthem (i.e. the first stanza of the poem) is actually just a question asking if this is indeed the home of the brave? It isn't until the end of Key's poem that we find out what the answer is (i.e. this is the home of the brave.) Unfortunately, the song fails at filling that part in.

If Mr. Key could only hear it now. Nothing more than a trickled down radio jingle. Pained.

“Diamonds are a girl’s best friend"

[Circa last Wednesday, April 7th]

Speaking from the perspective of a girl who has no plans for marriage any time soon, I wonder at the origination of such a phrase. For most of 2001 I was fascinated with Nicole Kidman’s starring role in the film Moulin Rouge. There’s a moment toward the beginning of the picture when Kidman, as the heroine, sings a supped-up version of “Sparkling Diamonds.” The premise of the Baz Luhrman directed work is one where a high profile call girl gets swept up in love amidst her growing fame, only to face an untimely death.

Kidman, playing Satine, belts the familiar lines as men thrust bedazzled jewels at her diamond-ensconced self. Tiffany’s! Cartier! One 14K Diamond encrusted gold pendant after the other:

“A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but diamonds are a girls best friend. A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rent on your humble flat. Well, I hope you feed your, mmm pussy cat. Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose are charms in the end. But square cut or pear shape these rocks don’t lose their shape. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”

Sort of a get it while you’re hot mentality. I understand that being as I’m on my way to Las Vegas right now. Play the tables while you’re young. I believe it was Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock who coined the life of the stripper so nicely, "You got to think like these strippers. They know the window of opportunity is only open for a moment. You gotta get in while you’re young, get the money, and get out."

But let’s get real here — it's not as if we can just forget what we saw in Blood Diamond.

"Gentlemen prefer blondes"

This 1953 film isn't a classic based on the movie's contents. It's a classic because it's true, men prefer blondes, by and large. *Note: this isn't a post that slams blondes, so if that's what you're waiting for, prepare to wait a long time. Most women experiment with hair color — and sometimes it's the difference that makes their career.

What I think is strange about this American fetish is that the two most iconic blondes in the last century, or so, aren't actually natural blondes. They're brunettes who just knew how to rock it. Think Marilyn Monroe and Pamela Anderson.

As a woman, I love the idea of natural hair color winning out. I'm not a huge fan of dying your locks. But, I suppose I can't knock it 'til I try it, and knock on wood, my red curls won't go gray any time soon. I always thought that what was attractive is what is less common, and blondes are quite common. So, is the theory that "Gentlemen prefer blondes" more true because proportionally there are literally more women out there with dyed or natural blonde hair?

 I almost wonder if what's stranger is the use of the word "gentlemen." Should it be, "Douches prefer blondes?" Does that necessitate that you are a douche if you like blondes or does it mean that you can't not be a douche if you like a blonde? Or, are there just proportionally more douches out there? But all of that is shortsighted and judgmental, no?

 These days, like it seems all the days that have preceded it, mainstream television is soaked with blonde. Oh, well.

Pedicures are way better than manicures. Almost always. And always at the nail place.

The song "T-Shirt Weather" by The Lucksmiths  marked the beginning of Spring for me for three years. In college I hosted a radio show called "The Early Morning Air-Strike" on KRUI 89.7 in Iowa City, and this was my response to sunny weather on a windy day in early April. It's t-shirt weather now, which means it's sandal weather too — and, that, is exciting.

For the lovely ladies it means jazzy toes, speckled with bright shades of pink, red, blue, orange; really, let's just Roy G. Biv this shiz. And for guys it means you get to enjoy that. [Yeah, this post isn't really for you guys after all.]

Pedicure time is the best time. They last longer than manicures. They can sometimes make unattractive feet alright to look at. And, though they might tickle a little, in the end it's worth it.

And, dudes, I think you should try it. I can only speak for me ( . . . at this point . . . ), but you wouldn't be any less of a man if you did. Just sayin'. If you feel weird going to a place, just know that: A. Bernie Mac used to do it all time, and B. If you did it yourself that'd be weirder.

April Fools is an Awesome Tradition

When I was 15 my aunt Celeste April fooled my mom into thinking that she [my aunt] was going to be having twins.

Today my brother put two chew toys and a note that said: April Fools, Love, Duke & Doc in my car.

I feel the quality of April Fools jokes has gone down.

Any takers in this theory?